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Micro-cheating is the act of cultivating, in small ways, inappropriate intimate connections outside your relationship, according to couples therapist Alicia Muñoz, LPC.
This subtle form of cheating doesn't involve physical intimacy with the other (i.e. they haven't kissed or had sex with another person), but the actions do break a couple's agreements about romantic exclusivity in other ways.
"Many people don't consider emotional affairs to be cheating since they aren't having sex," AASECT-certified sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman writes for mbg. "But it is the secrecy and betrayal of trust that creates the most damage."
What types of behaviors count as micro-cheating?
Importantly, what counts as "cheating" in any relationship will depend on the type of agreements the two people have about exclusivity.
But in general, here are some behaviors that likely count as micro-cheating in a typical monogamous relationship, according to Muñoz:
- Cultivating intimate or erotic energy with others
- Cultivating a fantasy of emotional closeness with others
- Seeking out repeated intimate interactions with exes
- Seeking out repeated intimate interactions with people you find attractive
- Revisiting a person when you feel upset in your committed romantic relationship
- Regularly draining your erotic energy with social media or other digital means, creating an intimacy drought in your relationship
What is micro-cheating?
is the act of cultivating, in small ways, inappropriate intimate connections outside your relationship, according to couples therapist Alicia Muñoz, LPC.
This subtle form of cheating doesn't involve physical intimacy with the other (i.e. they haven't kissed or had sex with another person), but the actions do break a couple's agreements about romantic exclusivity in other ways.
"Many people don't consider emotional affairs to be cheating since they aren't having sex," AASECT-certified sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman writes for mbg. "But it is the secrecy and betrayal of trust that creates the most damage."
Summary
Micro-cheating involves participating in inappropriate intimate connections with others outside your relationship.
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What types of behaviors count as micro-cheating?
Importantly, what counts as "cheating" in any relationship will depend on the type of agreements the two people have about exclusivity.
But in general, here are some behaviors that likely count as micro-cheating in a typical monogamous relationship, according to Muñoz:
- Cultivating intimate or erotic energy with others
- Cultivating a fantasy of emotional closeness with others
- Seeking out repeated intimate interactions with exes
- Seeking out repeated intimate interactions with people you find attractive
- Revisiting a person when you feel upset in your committed romantic relationship
- Regularly draining your erotic energy with social media or other digital means, creating an intimacy drought in your relationship
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THIS AD IS DISPLAYED USING THIRD PARTY CONTENT AND WE DO NOT CONTROL ITS ACCESSIBILITY FEATURES.
"Micro-cheating often begins with lying to yourself," Muñoz says. "Often, it involves a slew of subtle psychological defenses like minimizing, rationalizing, and denying."
To keep yourself honest and determine whether the connections are harmless or inappropriate, she recommends asking yourself: What would my partner think/feel if they saw me doing this? Or: Does doing this deepen my connection to my partner, or distance me from my partner?
Signs someone is micro-cheating
If you're worried your partner may be cheating or micro-cheating on you, Muñoz shares a list of potential signs to help you spot it:
- They are fixated on their phones when they normally would not be, making them not present in the relationship.
- They seem indifferent or checked out when you're speaking to them clearly, directly, and with vulnerability.
- They become defensive when you ask them about an interaction or social media exchange they've had.
- They regularly hint at others' attractiveness but don't state their needs and feelings to you directly.
- They withdraw and become detached for long stretches of time—especially in times of stress or conflict.
Posted : 06/07/2023 12:03 am
Topic starter
How to deal with micro-cheating in a relationship
Commit to changed behavior
If micro-cheating has become an issue in your relationship, Muñoz recommends directly discussing it with your partner.
It's important for the person who has been micro-cheating to understand how it makes their partner feel and to commit to changing their behavior.
This also includes ending any current "micro-affairs" they may be having. Once those micro-affairs have been ended, both partners can work on rebuilding the relationship—if they choose to, that is.
(Here's more on how to stop cheating, if this is something you personally struggle with.)
Discuss boundaries and agreements
Following a period of mistrust, setting boundaries and establishing open communication are really helpful for repairing the relationship.
"You can talk about the boundaries that help you both feel safe when it comes to flirtation, erotic images, 'best friends,' close work colleagues, etc.," Muñoz says.
Additionally, couples can make a "fierce honesty" pact, where they both agree to be more open with their impulses and urges. This can help boost confidence when either partner is feeling insecure, she explains.
Define what monogamy means to you
Nelson also recommends creating a concrete definition of monogamy together. "Monogamy is not a biological prison, nor is it a privilege. It is an agreement. It is a choice. It is something you choose every day," she says. "Therefore, the agreement should be as explicit as it can be. After an affair, talk about what you want in your new monogamy agreement. What constitutes monogamy for both of you?"
Get some support
Working with a couples' therapist and listening to emotionally informative audiobooks or podcasts together, in addition to talking about your own needs and listening to your partner's, can all go a long way in repairing the hurt relationship.
The takeaway
Micro-cheating is not quite as obvious as a physical affair, especially since each couple will define it differently, based on their boundaries.
If you're wondering whether your actions count as micro-cheating or are worried your partner might be doing it to you, it may be time to have an open, vulnerable conversation with one another about the issue.
Posted : 06/07/2023 12:04 am
@rick-cook I think it happens when a person is too lazy to put effort into creating intimacy with his/her partner and instead choses to fulfill some aspect of intimacy without making effort in all other areas of the relationship.
Posted : 12/02/2024 11:34 pm